Sleepless Nights

OK so I'm still living with him.

I can't move out right now because guess what---I have no money! I have given up so many things for this guy. Yes, I know it was my decision. I accept my role in all of this. I made up my mind all on my own to sacrifice and combine our lives. I know what you're thinking, 'there's always a way to leave if you really want to'. Well there's not. And I'd be willing to bet that the people who say that have never had to or tried to leave.

I was driving home from work yesterday evening and wanted to be going anywhere but there. I knew he'd be there. Well I didn't know, but I dreaded that he'd be there. He was. I went straight to my room and got in bed. He didn't come in, which made me feel a little angry. I'm not perfect, people, but I am a damn good partner/girlfriend/lover/housemate. He should be begging me to stay. I hate admitting that I was upset about him not trying to talk to me but it's true. I'm a conflict. What I mean is that I can give you reasons on all sides of an issue to do something or not do something. I have a dozen reasons he should have come in and a dozen he shouldn't have and why I'm glad he didn't.

I left the room at some point, made a tall Bloody Mary, ate some boiled eggs and went back to bed. He came in once I was asleep and got in bed with me. I hate him. I love him so much. And I hate his stupid ass. And he totally tried to sleep with me! I'm not talking about slumber, I'm talking about the guy tried to have sex with me. Seriously?! There is no way! My mind is not there, my heart is not there, and no matter how much I might want to, I won't. That, of course, started a fight because he just does get that sex is EMOTIONAL for me.

Also, I'm about to start my period so I'm extra annoyable. I annoy easily. I'm constantly irritable for the next 4 days. He knows this! (too much information? maybe. but it is my blog)

I'm at work right now and I got a raise today. WOAH! I didn't see it coming and to be totally honest it doesn't make any difference in my day to day life. It's not a huge raise and hardly contributes to my bottom line (which is almost invisible by the way). I couldn't even act happy which confused my boss but who cares.

Also, my eyes have been puffy all day because not only did I not sleep much but I woke up crying. Have you ever done that? Woke up already crying? I hadn't until today. When I think about it it's really sad but I promise I'm trying my best not to be super negative. It's really hard though.

How am I supposed to start moving on when I can't move out?